Tonight something is happening that people might not expect of me: For three weeks I’ll deny myself things – voluntarily. Things I’d usually defend whatever it takes. For example, chocolate croissants (I won’t get rid of them immediately, but in the long run they’ll have to leave). The coffee to go with them, that will have to leave as well. Steaks, the way I like them, crispy and slightly caramelised on the outside and almost cold on the inside. Covered in Sauce Béarnaise (because of butter and white wine)… nope. This journey that is so unlike me will begin with taking inventory, as thoroughly as I want to. For example, I can write down my weight and measure my waist and hips circumference, I can fill out a hormonal survey, and I did all these things. If I wasn’t as chaotic as I am, I also would have let someone take my blood to look at some of my levels. Instead, I took a closer look into my inner self and asked myself: Why do I do this? How am I feeling right now? You can find the answers to this here, in my personal and definitely non-complete pre-BODY-RESET-scan:
I’ve never felt as weak as I do right now – not even when I was taking care of a 1-year-old and a newborn crybaby at the same time. I force myself out of bed every morning and can not believe how hard it is for me to make into the shower. And I do have good sleep. I try to inhale as much coffee and tea as possible in between preparing lunch, looking for clean clothes for the kids, drying tears, packing bags, filling in last-minute school papers, making sure all bottles are closed, and giving goodbye kisses. I manage to get my work done, but that’s about it. Even small resolutions, like trying out small parenting tips instead of simply reading about them – no time, no capacity, I can’t do this right now, sorry. I’m missing the energy needed for self-care, for decision-making, for sorting things out, for discovering new books – for any little thing that goes beyond just functioning. My back is constantly hurting, it’s never been the same ever since two disc prolapses a few years ago, something is severely inflamed back there. More yoga would be nice, but see above. I feel unattractive and old. Sometimes I catch my reflection in a window and see a pear-shaped woman who’s dragging her feet through life. Now, iI could say I would like to look as fresh and young as I feel, but to be honest, I feel like I’m 102 years old, so that’s really not the direction I want to go into. But I don’t like the self I am right now and I would like to love myself a little more. A few months ago I had an epileptic seizure, every annoying thing included. Ever since I’ve been living on extremely thin ice and feel like loosing grip at least once a day. Legumes and vegetables can do a lot but I’m afraid that, against epilepsy, even they are powerless. However, even with this topic, I would like to have more energy to properly deal with this topic. My cycle is going crazy, it’s always been quite adventurous – endometriosis, myomae, cysts, there was always a lot going on. At the moments it is being quite bossy. I always thought that at the age of 48 it would calm down a little, but instead with each period, it completely floors me – horrible mood during the days prior, splatter-movie like flood of blood, and of course it doesn’t stick to any schedule. I’ve always defended my love for food like a slightly overeating lioness against any well-intended tips from the outside. But, if I’m being honest, the fire has died down a while ago. I do have a huge array of cookbooks, a lot of them having been soiled with butter and soy sauce and cake batter and full of small notes reminding of cooking sessions long past, and I would never get rid of them, but at the moment they’re mainly just lying there and remind me how happy I used to be when there was a bowl of fresh yeast dough in the fridge of a pork roast in the oven. I would love to have this joy of making a mess back. And somehow I feel like that just in every relationship, a little bit of distance would do us wonders – even though it might hurt in the beginning. Are those good reasons for a BODY RESET? I think so (and actually, A LOT of good reasons – I just realised, now that I’m seeing it written down here). And in a mere three weeks, I’ll know whether I was right in that assumption.