I’ve never felt as weak as I do right now – not even when I was taking care of a 1-year-old and a newborn crybaby at the same time. I force myself out of bed every morning and can not believe how hard it is for me to make into the shower. And I do have good sleep. I try to inhale as much coffee and tea as possible in between preparing lunch, looking for clean clothes for the kids, drying tears, packing bags, filling in last-minute school papers, making sure all bottles are closed, and giving goodbye kisses. I manage to get my work done, but that’s about it. Even small resolutions, like trying out small parenting tips instead of simply reading about them – no time, no capacity, I can’t do this right now, sorry. I’m missing the energy needed for self-care, for decision-making, for sorting things out, for discovering new books – for any little thing that goes beyond just functioning.
My back is constantly hurting, it’s never been the same ever since two disc prolapses a few years ago, something is severely inflamed back there. More yoga would be nice, but see above.
I feel unattractive and old. Sometimes I catch my reflection in a window and see a pear-shaped woman who’s dragging her feet through life. Now, iI could say I would like to look as fresh and young as I feel, but to be honest, I feel like I’m 102 years old, so that’s really not the direction I want to go into. But I don’t like the self I am right now and I would like to love myself a little more.
A few months ago I had an epileptic seizure, every annoying thing included. Ever since I’ve been living on extremely thin ice and feel like loosing grip at least once a day. Legumes and vegetables can do a lot but I’m afraid that, against epilepsy, even they are powerless. However, even with this topic, I would like to have more energy to properly deal with this topic.
My cycle is going crazy, it’s always been quite adventurous – endometriosis, myomae, cysts, there was always a lot going on. At the moments it is being quite bossy. I always thought that at the age of 48 it would calm down a little, but instead with each period, it completely floors me – horrible mood during the days prior, splatter-movie like flood of blood, and of course it doesn’t stick to any schedule.
I’ve always defended my love for food like a slightly overeating lioness against any well-intended tips from the outside. But, if I’m being honest, the fire has died down a while ago. I do have a huge array of cookbooks, a lot of them having been soiled with butter and soy sauce and cake batter and full of small notes reminding of cooking sessions long past, and I would never get rid of them, but at the moment they’re mainly just lying there and remind me how happy I used to be when there was a bowl of fresh yeast dough in the fridge of a pork roast in the oven. I would love to have this joy of making a mess back. And somehow I feel like that just in every relationship, a little bit of distance would do us wonders – even though it might hurt in the beginning.
Are those good reasons for a BODY RESET? I think so (and actually, A LOT of good reasons – I just realised, now that I’m seeing it written down here). And in a mere three weeks, I’ll know whether I was right in that assumption.